I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
