if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
