Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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