hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
