I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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