now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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