So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
