Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
