WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
