Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
