dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
