Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
