No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
