i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
