we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
