You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
