she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
