i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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