you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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