You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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