you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
