I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
