doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
