Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
