don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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