If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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