I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
