saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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