He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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