I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
