i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
