my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wear drunk well.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
