I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
