Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
