Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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