My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
