My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
