He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
