Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
