nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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