I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
