My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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