I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
