HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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