What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
