My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We left an ass print on the piano.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
