I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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