Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
