WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
