You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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