Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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